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Excuse me.
Can I help you, sir?
- How far is it to Nottingham?
About a hundred
and fifty miles, sir.
Which way? - You're going
back down again, are you?
Go straight down all the way
till you reach the bottom.
Then head north.
How do I know which way is
north? - The beer gets stronger.
And the people are
more friendly.
Where am I now?
- In Egganham.
Oh bugger, not again.
Pardon my French.
Can I help you? - Yeh, we're
looking for something good.
What kind of films do you like?
- Romantic. - Fighting.
Love. - Sex.
Happy families.
- Suicide and murder.
I think I got just
what you want.
"Hamlet". What's all that
about then?
It's about this prince Hamlet.
His father's dead. Murdered.
One night Hamlet sees his dad's
ghost. The ghost says to Hamlet:
"Hamlet, watch out for that
uncle of yours..."
Hamlet is really stressed out,
thinking about suicide.
And he's talking to himself
and he says:
"To be or not to to be?
1
That is the question."
I know how he feels. It's like
when you're playing football.
To pass or not to pass?
That is the question.
To shop or not to shop?
That is the question.
To believe or not to believe?
That is the question.
To pee or not to pee?
That is the question.
To remember
or not to remember...
What was the question?
What seems to be the trouble?
- I've got a very bad headache.
Have you got a temperature?
- I'm not sure, doctor.
Let's see.
No. 36,7.
No fever. Quite normal.
What about your stomach?
Diarrhea, constipation?
- Oh no, nothing like that.
Too much sun?
A sunstroke?
In Egganham?
You must be joking.
I don't know.
Perhaps a virus.
An infection.
Anyway, I'm writing you a
prescription for antibiotics.
Just in case.
Thank you, doctor.
- Oh, and mind your...
Oh bugger! Sod it!
Pardon my French.
2
I feel like Father Christmas
with his sack.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
What would you like?
We'd like to eat.
You're serving food now?
Snacks at the bar, sir, or the
restaurant is open at seven.
What do you think, love?
Snack at the bar?
I think mum would prefer
a proper meal.
You know how much
she likes her chips.
Don't you, mum?
- Oh yes, I like chips.
Your dad used to like
chips too.
You do do chips, do you?
Oh yes, sir. We have
chips with everything.
Why don't you order now and
have drinks while you're waiting.
Good idea.
Now, mother...
What do you want?
- Chips.
Yes, but what do you
want with your chips?
What is there? I can't see
without me glasses.
Do you want meat
or fish?
I wouldn't have the fish.
Not on a Wednesday.
Why not? - The fish is
perfectly fresh, Mr B.
As you know.
- No, I don't want fish.
What's your soup of the day?
3
Mushroom. - I wouldn't
have mushroom, love.
Not in April. - The mushrooms
are perfectly fresh, madam.
Well, I'm having steak and
kidney pie. With chips.
Don't listen to him.
- I didn't say a word.
But I wouldn't have kidneys.
Not on a leap year.
Excuse me.
You did say north?
Small dry white wine. There you
go, Mrs. B. - Thank you, Jules.
Hello, Mrs. Brown. How's
your lovely daughter?
Very well, thank you, Ron.
- Is she in tonight?
No, she's washing her hair.
Oh, excuse me, it's time to go
for our yes-no game.
You know the rules. You mustn't
say "yes", you mustn't say "no".
You mustn't nod your head,
you mustn't shake your head.
You're first, Sharon. And
your minute starts now.
Are you ready?
- Yes.
Oh, Sharon.
- You said "yes".
He asked me if I was ready.
- You can't say "yes" or "no".
Why not?
- That's the rule, stupid.
Right now Eric, your turn.
Are you ready?
What? - You nodded
your head.
4
I was thinking. It's a stupid
game. I wasn't ready.
Professor Appleyard,
your minute starts now.
You are a professor of
philosophy. Is that right?
I am a professor of philosophy
and you are right.
What is your speciality?
- Logic.
You did say logic, didn't you?
- I did.
Is it raining?
- Well, yes and no.
Oh I am sorry.
Mrs. Brown, how's your
lovely daughter?
Very well, thank you?
- Is she here now?
She is at home.
She's washing her hair.
That's right. She usually washes
her hair on a Wednesday.
Did you come here on your
bicycle? You have a bicycle?
I didn't come by bicycle.
I haven't got a bicycle any more.
It was stolen.
Isn't that awful?
You can't leave anything these
days. Not even in Egganham.
Your bicycle was stolen here in
Egganham? - That's right.
Did you go to the police? - I did.
They couldn't help me.
I'm bored.
- Aren't we all?
Do you want to go on with this,
Mrs. Brown? - Not really.
Shame.
5
So, I'm sorry. What was
your name?
I can't remember. - Anyway,
your minute starts now.
Who are you?
- I can't remember.
Where do you come from?
- I can't remember.
Can I get you another drink?
- Yes, please.
Your turn, vicar.
Do you believe in God?
- Absolutely.
Do you love God or do you fear
God? - I love God.
Why do you love God?
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